


you lay there dead (but live on in my memory)

by Garecc



Series: A Ballad Of Magic And Terror [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (not his favorite. bella was his favorite growing up bc i love tragic things), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood, Canonical Character Death, Cousins, Custody Battle, Death, Dysfunctional Family, Family, Family Issues, Fix-It, Gen, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, James and Lilly's death: the fic but also its, James's corpse is here, Lilly and James don't die on screen but it warrants that tag, Lilly's corpse as well, Minor Character Death, Murderous Thoughts, Shock, Sirius Black Raises Harry Potter, Survivor Guilt, The start of it anyway, Trauma, and a Voldemort's corspse as well!, andromeda is sirius's cousin, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26361313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garecc/pseuds/Garecc
Summary: An au where Hagrid realized leaving Sirius alone after James and Lilly died is probably a bad idea, and also Sirius is refusing to let go of Harry.Basically, Sirius finds the Potters dead (sans Harry), is too messed up from shock, and trauma, and finding his best friends corpse to really talk to Aurors, refuses to let go of Harry. Then Hagrid shows up like "time to go to Dumbledore!" and Sirius is like "I am to numb and scared and freaked out to say no and you are not taking Harry" so then Sirius yells at Dumbledore for being like "Harry must stay here with these random muggles" and leaves. Shows up at Andromeda's and she takes care of him.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Andromeda Black Tonks, Sirius Black & Harry Potter
Series: A Ballad Of Magic And Terror [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1509704
Comments: 5
Kudos: 135





	you lay there dead (but live on in my memory)

It was a dark and dreary hollow's eve, the day Voldemort died. 

The day the Potters were killed. 

Sirius knelt in the broken remains of the Potter's house, Harry clutched to his chest. 

Sirius was not present enough to get a proper look, wasn't present enough to do much beyond hold Harry and shudder.

He had passed James's corpse at the door. Already cold. Already devoid of any life. Sirius had held him, the body, clinging, shaking. 

Certain everyone in the house has been killed.

After all, why would Voldemort spare anyone?

But then Harry's wailing echoed down the stairs, and Sirius had bolted up them. Confusion and desperation all that propelled him.

If Harry was alive maybe Lilly was.

Maybe she was just hurt.

Maybe she had managed to kill Voldemort.

He tripped on the top step, nearly falling. An action he had done hundreds of times now, but as he pitched forward, and catching himself on the table was muscle memory.

The door to Harry’s room was open.

His heart dropped again as he staggered to the door.

The first thing Sirius saw as he skidded inside was Lilly's corpse.

Deathly still and pale. 

He gagged at Lilly's corpse, looking away. Thinking he must've been mistaken, if Lilly was dead then of course Harry was dead.

But then his gaze caught another corpse, dark robes and brown hair.

Voldemorts body.

In death, he looked like anyone. 

Sirius was frozen a second, because that was the _Voldemort's_ corpse, he was _dead,_ but Harry screamed again and Sirius was jolted back to the present. 

It was with shaking hands he picked up Harry, who smiled like nothing was fundamentally wrong in the world as he saw Sirius.

There was a bloody gash in his forehead, steadily oozing blood. Shaped like a Lichtenberg figure, or lightning.

He carried Harry to the bathroom, shaking like nothing else as he fumbled through the first aid kit.

Harry just kept babbling. Happy to see Sirius.

He secured on a bandage with trembling hands, the magic sticking it without a fold around the injury.

Harry whined a bit, but Sirius shushed him.

Harry was alive.

Sirius picked up Harry, stumbled down the stairs, keeping a firm hand over Harry’s eyes so he didn't see James.

He couldn't look at James's corpse.

The expression of terror on his face.

He was dead, James was dead, his brother was dead. ( _Both_ his brothers were dead. And both deaths his fault.)

He was going to _kill_ Peter. 

He decided as he sat there.

He was going to kill him.

Harry tugged on his shirt and pulled Sirius from his thoughts of murder.

He was going to kill Peter later

Later.

For now, he was going to sit here and hold Harry and not let him see the corpses. 

He doesn't know how long he sat there until someone showed up. One of the neighbors. The Dark Mark still staining the sky above the house. 

“Are the Potters-” 

“Yes.” Sirius managed. “Voldemort is dead." 

“What?”

“Lilly killed him. Probably. I don't know. They're both dead.” His voice broke. “I don't know.”

He wanted to throw up. The words spilling from his lips feeling foreign on his tongue. "Corpse is inside."

* * *

He was questioned by Aurors. He answered in a voice he didn't feel like was his. Harry was wrapped in a blanket now, asleep. Still in his arms. 

Peter was secret keeper. He told them. Peter had them killed.

The person talking didn't feel like it was him.

Voldemorts corpse was removed. Lilly and James were taken out.

Someone tried to take Harry, and Sirius had his wand out in half a second.

Harry and Remus were all he had left now. "If you touch him I'll kill you." He snarled and somehow, he meant it.

But it was passed off as manic grief, and Sirius sat back down next to his bike. 

Sirius just sobbed.

* * *

"I need to take him to Dumbledore." Hagrid insisted.

"Why?" Sirius asked. "Voldemort is dead."

"Dumbledore told me to get Harry."

"I don't _care._ " Sirius's voice came out rabid, harsh. "I’m his godfather." 

He was going to have a breakdown.

A part of him wanted to let Hagrid take Harry. Take Harry while he hunted down Peter. 

Another part of him wasn't ever letting Harry go again.

And here?

Sirius listens to the latter.

"If Dumbledore needs a traumatized toddler so badly then _I'm_ _coming with you._ "

He's not letting Harry out of his sight.

It's his fault Lilly and James are dead.

He's not risking Harry too. 

"That's fine." Hagrid says. (Hagrid didn't think leaving Sirius alone after his best friend died would be a good idea either) "Can we borrow your bike?"

"...you know what? Fine." His voice was scathing, despite that the only emotion Sirius was feeling was complete and utter despair.

* * *

As they drove Sirius's thoughts spiraled.

The anger at Peter lessened and gave way to a cacophonous pit of despair.

He just wanted to keep Harry safe. 

* * *

The bike sputtered to a stop in front of number four, Privet Drive, Hagrid stood up, a significantly smaller figure next to him. 

Sirius was shaking.

This was his fault.

This was _all his fault_

He was too much of a coward.

Too weak willed

(He knew, of course, that if they pointed a wand to Bella's chest, or Cissa's, or fuck _Draco's_ he would tell them. He couldn’t be a secret keeper. He loved too many on the other side. He'd never even met his nephew and but a futile love still burned in his heart. He hadn't seen Cissa since he was 16, and he loved her all the same. He'd have been a shit secret keeper. A shit one.)

So he had them change it to Peter

And Peter was the spy.

Sirius was shaking.

This was his fault

There was talking, Dumbledore and McGonagall's voices, Hagrid's hand on his back as he held Harry so, so close.

James's child (His child now. James was dead. James was dead and it was his fault.) fussed a bit but the sleeping spell still held firm.

Someone, an Auror probably, who's face Sirius can't even remember cast it before Sirius could snarl out an angry stop. Before he could weave a ward around them. Before he could stop him.

There was talking but Sirius could hardly understand them. Too focused on his own swirling thoughts and the way Harry breathed. Steady. Alive.

He was alive.

Then, out of nowhere, someone tried to take Harry.

There was nothing but panic and magic as Sirius jolted. A surge of protective magic knocked the hands back, and shattered every lightbulb in every street lamp on the street. 

Harry is _his_.

Sirius looked up, a rabid look in his eyes. A murderous look in his eyes. Like a cornered animal his gaze held only fear and malice. "If you touch him again I'll kill you." Sirius snarled, stepping back.

He felt trapped.

He felt panicked 

He wanted Remus.

He wanted to kill Peter 

He wanted James.

And on some childish level, he wanted Andromeda and Narcissa and Alphard and Lucretia and Regulus even fucking _Bellatrix_.

Wanted his family no matter how disowned he is. No matter how dead they are. 

He grew up loving them more than anything, with Narcissa's hidden smiles and Alphard's stiff hugs and Lucretia's charming gifts and the chaos he and Bella caused when she was hardly 10 and he was even younger.

He missed them in a horrific way that ached like old scars.

His entire body shuddered because Bella would _kill him_ she _hates_ him but he loves her too much.

Futile memories of when they were nothing more than children warring with who she is now and he wants so desperately to hate her but he _can't_.

Cissa and her son (she has a son now he wants so desperately to meet him he has a nephew he'll never meet) shine in his mind and he misses them like someone misses cigarettes.

He knows he's going to go to Andromeda as soon as Peter is arrested or hopefully killed. 

He promised James a year ago if something happened he would go to her because he's too self-destructive to live alone.

So as he glares at Dumbledore he wants to scream he wants to cry he wants to bark and growl and yell and yell.

"His aunt and uncle live here." Dumbledore said and every word felt like another nail in his own coffin. "They're his only family. He should stay with them."

And oh.

 _Oh_.

Wasn't that just a _knife_ to Sirius's already shattered heart.

Sirius started laughing, hysterical and long and absolutely manic and James was dead and it turned into sobs and Sirius couldn't stop. Harry was pressed into his chest. He was never letting go. "What about me?" He growled.

"Well-"

"I’m his fucking godfather. James wanted him with me. Look at his fucking will. I'm leaving."

"Mr. Black." 

"Fuck off. I'm- I can't do this right now."

"Exactly why he needs to stay here. You are in no way a fit guardian for such a young child. Especially right now."

And wasn't that throwing a match into a can of gasoline.

He went still, eyes flashing murder. 

“Sirius.” McGonagall's voice was calm. So calm it infuriated him. “We will figure out who gets custody when the will is read.” Sirius dared to trust what she was saying. “For now, let's have him stay here. It's safest-”

“No.” Sirius said. 

He would have yelled, and screamed, would have sent showers of sparks and shattered glass and dying plants and destruction and he wanted so, so badly to take out his rage his terror on everyone and everything but Harry was starting to fuss and while Sirius felt like an explosion about to go off. He fixed Dumbledore with a dark glare.

“He’s _mine._ ”

He apparated with a loud crack, taking Harry with him.

* * *

Sirius knocked on Andromeda's door, with one shaking hand. 

He'd been a street or two away, and in the walking the panic had really set in.

He was hyperventilating badly he felt dizzy.

Lightheaded.

He knocked again.

It was a few moments later Andromeda opened the door.

"Sirius?"

"Can-” He broke into a sob. “Can I come in?" His voice shuddered and he felt so faint he knew he might pass out if he didn't sit down and get his breathing under control.

Andromeda was already ushering him in, her hand on his back warm, gentle, constant and Sirius was just wheezing.

He loves her.

"Is that the Potter's child?" Andromeda asked, and Sirius managed a sharp nod as she sat him down. 

"May I take him?" Her voice was so gentle and he trusted her as much as he trusted James. 

As he had previously trusted James.

James is dead.

He nodded slowly, pulling Harry away from his chest.

She slowly took Harry, making sure to keep him in Sirius's line of sight as she summoned a crib that flew around the corner, blankets folding themselves into it and she gently set Harry down. 

"I am going to go get you calming draught, is that alright?"

She kept her posture steady. Her hands in sight. Her eyes on him.

Sirius managed a shaky nod.

Andromeda stood up. "Dora is asleep. Ted is out trying to procure information more reliable than word of mouth on the events of tonight."

She came back a minute later, and Sirius downed the potion like it was a shot.

His breathing slowly slowed and his hands stopped shaking quite so much as he leaned into Andromeda's side. Practically curling into her. 

She wrapped an arm around him. He pressed his face into her shoulder. She pressed a kiss to the side of his head.

He loved her.

At least he still had her.

“I saw the body.”

“What?”

“I saw Voldemort's body. He killed James,” Andromeda’s eyes widened, her arm around him pulling him closer. “The body was in Harry’s room. Lilly and him were both dead. They probably killed each other at the same time. I don't know. Harry has a cut on his head. I don't know what happened.”

“That's alright Sirius. Just- You don't need to know what happened. The Aurors and detectives can figure it out.”

“Okay.” He mumbled. Hardly above a whisper. “Okay.”

Sirius leaned into Andromeda's arms, still shaking. He doubted he was going to be able to stop anytime soon.

"Peter told Voldemort. He was their secret keeper. We switched. It's my fault."

"Oh Sirius.. No, it's not."

“It is though.”

“No, it isn't.” She said, voice ever soft. Ever steady. She stroked his hair, brushing it out with her fingers. “It's Peter’s fault, it's Voldemort's fault. None of this is your fault.”

Sirius started crying then, long, shaking sobs and Andromeda just held him.

  
  



End file.
